i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
