I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
