every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
