I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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