seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize