I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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