I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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