I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
