I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
