the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
