Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
