I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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