new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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