I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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