My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
