She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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