hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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