It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
