I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
