i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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