I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
