The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
