...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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