I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
