I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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