I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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