Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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