i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
