My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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