Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
