My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
