You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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