I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
