Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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