So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
