i love accidental penises.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
