Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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