if i can run in heels then i can drive
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He felt like a one man threesome
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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