A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
