i don't like sucking hair
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
