ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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