Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
