I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Never joke about your clitoris.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
