just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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