Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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