Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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