he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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