6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
