Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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