BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
