...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
