just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
