I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
