I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
