Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
