There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
