Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
