my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
