when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So vagazzling was a success
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
