dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
