i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize