i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
