Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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